My challenges regarding my nails began years before there were any hints of anything amiss in my body or brain. I remember the day it began so clearly…
I was a little girl. I was observing my mother as she was chewing on her fingernails. I remember thinking, “Hmmm, I wonder if I should try that also?”
That was the worst single idea I’ve ever had!
That day I began a habit that has taken years of struggle to overcome. It still plagues me today, nearly forty years later.
Over time the habit evolved until I was not only biting my nails, I was literally feasting on my cuticles as well. Then it progressed to the dry skin around the tips of my fingers. At one point I was even pulling my foot up to my mouth to gnaw on my toenails. It was like self-cannibalism! I knew I had to do something about it.
Using sheer will power, When I was in the sixth grade, I managed to stop this disgusting habit.
The victory was short-lived however, that was the year the tumor happened to me.
Chewing my nails became a major coping mechanism for me through all the trauma that followed. I felt so ashamed for years and would try to keep my hands hidden when meeting new people; it was just one more thing that I felt made me unacceptable to others. I remember my stepmother nagging me for years about my nail-biting. I couldn’t understand how to explain it to her or anyone else back then. I’m so glad I finally figured it out for myself. Do you know how I did?
It was after I finally got rid of Pete. I noticed right away that I just stopped biting my nails. I didn’t even have to make any effort; it was crazy. Then, later when I would be discussing all the traumatic stuff with anyone, I would start chewing my nails automatically. I would have had to be blind to miss that one; winking face.
I have managed to bring this nasty habit back under control from time to time over the years.
Through the years this habit has resurfaced during times of great stress in my life. It showed up when I went to court against my mother both in 2004 and 2012. It resurfaced when we almost lost our second son at birth in 2006. And it reared its ugly head again when I made the extremely difficult decision to leave my husband in 2016. I have learned to use it as a barometer to help me measure my stress level. I really hate it and wish I could be free of it. I feel like a freak having this little tick that pops up on me. I’m still dealing with it every single day.
Since I got my constitutional rights back in 2012, I’ve been making it a habit to get my nails done professionally. I used to think this was just an unnecessary luxury that I was not entitled to. What I have discovered is completely different.
In a very real way; I totally feel justified in treating myself to this luxury. I’m trying to heal my poor being from all the shit they did to me. I will now use some of the money to heal myself like it was intended in the first place.
Like so many other things this has also kind of become part of regular maintenance for me.
When I go to the salon and get a pedicure, I get the sugar scrub treatment all up my calves. This greatly stimulates the circulation in my legs. This has helped me a lot in the reconstructing I’ve been doing on my body. When I started this, I knew my foundation was very shaky so I’ve been trying to build it up.
Let me tell you about getting my fingernails done.
First, I learned early on that acrylic fingernails DO NOT work so well when you are blind. Let me tell you what happens. I’ve actually invested in them twice.
Well, they somehow attach these fake nails to your real ones. It looks really good when you are leaving the salon. Let me tell you what happens when you get home and are living as a blind person.
First; having a foreign object attached to the end of each finger greatly increases the difficulty when it comes to feeling stuff with said fingertips. I noticed this right away. Everything I touched I either knocked over or my nail was damaged because the object didn’t give when the nail hit it.
Trying to type with those things was ridiculous! I nearly gouged my own eye out on several occasions while attempting to scratch my forehead or cheek. They definitely aren’t something I would recommend to my blind peers. They also get caught on everything and get torn off and then you have this horrid nail left underneath. It feels rough and sickly. I think it probably looks just horrible. I always had to just leave it that way until I went back for another nail appointment. I quickly decided to skip the fake nails.
I keep finding that these ways in which people are changing their looks usually don’t work for Blind Becca so I have to figure my own methods out.
So, I just get my fingernails and toenails painted with beautiful colors. I admit it; I often walk out of there with bright blue nails; it is my favorite color after all.
When I receive my manicure, I get a hand and wrist massage that helps to alleviate the soreness in my hand. I’ve been a cane user for over twenty years now and my wrist is absolutely killing me!
Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs. I hope you are enjoying my new series; Beauty as a Blind Woman in 21st century America.
Please let me know if there is anything else you would like me to write about. Peace out
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